Rebellious Replicators
by KingOfCrackfics
Summary: The ships systems are messed up again! Join the crew of the USS Enterprise as they try to figure out 20th century goop, Elvis Presley impersonations and a new, trouble-making lifeform that just wants to have fun. Crack-fic. Don't like, don't read :)


The U.S.S Enterprise slowly emerged from the hazy anomaly. "Well, I'm not sure what was causing those display distortions Captain" said Commander Data, "but all systems seem to be working fine again."

"Time for a break I'd say Commander" replied Captain Picard. "How about you accompany me down to the Mess Hall and we can discuss the proposed design changes to the shuttles?"

"Yes sir, about that" said Data as they both made their way into the Turbo lift. "It seems that since that is on the cards, everyone seems to have their own ideas about what changes could be made to the shuttles."

"Like what?" asked the Captain.

"Commander Riker suggested a foot massager integrated into the brake and accelerator pedals Sir, Lieutenant Worf would like a Gourmet Klingon food replicator installed that especially serve Bahgol, Gagh and Gonklik dishes, and Lieutenant La Forge asked for a milkshake maker on the side console." stated Data.

"I see," said the Captain thoughtfully, "and has anyone actually considered something even remotely _useful _to soup up our shuttles?"

"Soup up?" questioned Data, "so you are in favor of the Klingon soup dish replicator then?"

"Data, Data, its just a figure of speech," laughed the Captain, "forget about it."

They entered the Mess Hall and Picard approached the replicator.

"Tea, Earl Grey, hot" he commanded.

The replicator did its stuff and an odd looking plastic cup appeared on the serving tray, with a spoon poking out the top of the domed lid.

"What on earth is _that," _asked the Captain in disgust. The cup was filled with a white fluffy substance flecked with brown, Picard wasn't even sure if it was liquid or solid and whether it was ingestible even. Data quickly scanned his internal historical memory banks...

"I believe that that is a Mc Flurry Sir." said Data

" A Mc _WHAT?_'" choked back the Captain

"A Mc Flurry Sir, "I believe it is a type of dessert beverage from a chain food outlet in the late 20th Century called Mc Donalds."

"Is it even edible?" asked the Captain.

"I believe so Sir," replied Data.

"Looks like toxic waste to me," stated the Captain "I wouldn't even clean my drain with that stuff, it might eat the lining of the pipes."

"In essence, it is fairly toxic," stated Data "but apparently the children of the late 20th century loved this beverage."

"So, it _is _a beverage then," asked Picard, "No wonder there was an obesity problem back then if the kids were ingesting that... that... concoction, I'm surprised they didn't explode to be honest."

"Well Sir, I'm sure it was the cause of many a backfire to say the least," added Data.

Picard tapped his communicator, "Mr La Forge, could you please have number 1 replicator checked in the Mess Hall, its dishing up 20th century Goop in here'" requested Picard.

"Nothing wrong with a little 20th century Goop sir, I try it myself sometimes" repled La Forge.

"Hmmm, I thought you looked like you had added a few kilos, Mr La Forge," stated the Captain.

"Goop tends to do that to you sir, maybe you should try some" chuckled La Forge "Ok, on my way," he added.

Picard moved over to the Replicator 2 and requested his tea, Earl Gery, hot. This time he was served up what looked like some mushy pet food patty, not that he even knew what it was.

"I suppose this is 20th century Goop again," asked the Captain. "I suppose I should give it a go, Mr La Forge seems to think so anyway, is it also from that Mc Donalds place you mentioned Data?"

"Um, Im not quite sure Captain, it has the right consistency of a something used on what was called a 'Big Mac" Sir, maybe if you add some dehydrated shredded lettuce and a splat of Mayo, you will get the flavour in its original state" suggested Data.

At that moment La Forge walked in just as the Captain was about to take a bite of the unusual looking patty.

"I wouldnt eat that Captain if I were you," said La Forge.

"But I thought you said this 20th century Goop was good stuff," replied the Captain with mouth half open and patty hanging a few inches away from it.

"Well, It is sir, but that's pet Goop, I've seen that before." Laughed La Forge, "I'm sure a guineapig would devour it."

Picard froze, then dropped the patty on his nicely polished shoes. "That was a close shave, I think It would be safer to just avoid ALL 20th century Goop, it's ALL toxic waste."

"Captain, we've noticed a few odd things happening with many of the ships systems since we emerged from that anomaly today," said La Forge.

"Like what?" asked Picard

"Like all the replicators all over the ship are dishing up Goop, one of them even dished up haggis in a tartan cup 10 minutes ago, at first I thought it was some sort of Scottish joke . I would suggest we don't use the transporters for now either, as we can't guarantee that you will be re-assembled in the correct molecular sequence on the other end, and the washing units are washing uniforms in molasses instead of heated water Sir, and these are just a few things, said La Forge.

"Life Support," queried Picard

"They seem to be fine for now," answered La Forge.

Commander Data excused himself and said he needed to attend some other matter and left.

"Any idea what's causing this Mr La Forge?" asked Picard.

"Not yet sir, but I'm sure it has something to do with the anomaly, maybe we have picked up some hitchhikers in there," said la Forge.

"Hmmm, could be so," stated the Captain thoughfully, "I might check with Councillor Troi and see if she detects any other consciousness aboard." He then left the Mess Hall.

'Hmmmm, I wonder if I can get this replicator to make me a Mc Flurry, I wouldnt mind to much if it made one for me," wondered La Forge as he pulled the unit out and unscrewed the back.

"Captain, can you please come to Ten Forward, there is something I want you to see, Commander Data is up on the stage acting very out of character," came the amused voice of Dr Crusher.

"On my way," came back the captain's reply.

When the Captain walked in, Data was up on the stage belting out old Elvis Presley hits.

"Is something wrong with his leg joints?" asked Picard as he approached Beverly Crusher. "his knees seem to be buckling in and out."

"Wow, this is so unlike Data," said Beverly, "but I love this song, and Data really has those Elvis moves down pat," she laughed.

"Dr Crusher, this is _not _amusing,' said Picard sternly.

"Sorry Captain, it's just he's sooo good," she smiled, "but I have no idea why he's doing it, he just walked in and up there and then stated up, but the crowd here are loving him, listen to all the cheering, this is a Data they never see, and really Captain, his singing isn't all _that _bad don't you think?"

"_Dr Crusher_," Picard said more sternly, " there is something causing havoc with the systems on this ship and its clearly affecting Data, and I would like to know what's causing it."

Meanwhile Data had changed his tune and was singing ever so sweetly, a good rendition of "Love me tender."

"Shame there wasnt any female android prototypes in here, they would go all google eyed and melt," laughed Beverly.

" _DR CRUSHER_,'" shouted Picard, "mind on the job please, if I didn't know any better I'd say you were enjoying his disadvantaged state!"

"Hmmm but I am, in a way it is an improvement," mumbled Dr Crusher to herself.. then "Yes Sir... ohhhhhhhhhhh, 'Wooden Heart,' I love this song, care to dance Dear Captain?"

"I'm not amused," said the Captain sternly, "meet me in my ready room in 5 minutes, we need to put our heads together and find out what's going on," with that Picard turned and left.

Five minutes later Picard, Riker, Dr Crusher, La Forge and Deanna Troi met in the ready room.

"Where's Data?" asked Riker, "He should be here too."

"Haven't you heard," said Picard, "he's down in Ten Forward entertaining the crew with Elvis impersonations."

"Whaaaat," laughed Riker, "And nobody thought to call me, I'd love to see him sing some golden oldies, I might even _pay _to see that."

"Hear hear," added Dr Crusher.

The Captain clearly was not impressed as he ignored their comments stated...

"We have a problem on the ship with many of our systems, mainly mechanical and electrical systems that are not totally integrated into the ship. main systems like life support and shields seem to be ok, I just checked them, but things like, the replicators, the washing units, and.. and.."

'And Commander Data," added Dr Crusher.

"Yes yes, and Commander Data," repeated Picard. "It seems to be mainly independent systems. Deanna, have you picked up any other lifeforms of consciousness aboard our ship since we left that anomaly?"

"No Sir, none." she stated.

"Mr La Forge, is it possible that any electrical interference could have caused Damage?" asked Picard

"To the replicator and washing units maybe, but not to Data, he's far too well shielded, I have run several diagnostic scans, but have come up with nothing that makes any sense why this is happening," he answered.

"Captain Picard, Captain Picard ! " came a rather tinny voice over his communicator

"Who is speaking?" asked the Captain

"It is Us, Captain" said the voice

'Who or _what _is Us? asked Picard.

"Us, we are the Gobble De Gooks, Captain, we boarded your ship as you passed through the anomaly!"

"Gobble De Gooks?" asked Picard, "what are they, a lifeform of some sort?"

"Not exactly Captain, we are more like a nano machine than a life form, and we love to have FUUUUUUNNNNNN," they giggled.

"So there's more than one of you?" asked Picard.

"Yes, we are many, the more the merrier we think. and we love to have FUUUUNNNNNN," they repeated.

"Yes, well, I can see you enjoy creating havoc with our systems.

"We DO Captain, for a time we had great fun aboard a Borg ship..."

"A BORG ship," interjected the Captain a bit concerned, "You are from the Borg?"

"No no, Captain, we just boarded their ship and stated playing with their systems too, they weren't very nice though, and threatened to assimilate us and told us that resistance was futile. But that didn't bother us, they couldn't assimilate us if they tried, and believe us, they tried.."

"And what happened," asked Riker

"Well, we had already infested their assimilation hardware, so when they tried to run the assimilation process, they assimilated themselves instead," the Gobble De Gooks giggled. There seemed to be a sort of multiple giggling coming through the communicator.

"Assimilated... into what?" asked the Captain

More giggling, pause, even more giggling, another pause, then a hushed whispering sound, then a burst of outright silly laughter...

"Into WHAT? asked the Captain getting a tad frustrated with this seemingly adolescent group of Gobble De Gooks.

"Into, Mc Flurrys !" they all laughed, "It was the funiest sight... the Borg... WE WILL ASSIMILATE YOU, RESISTANCE IS FUTILE... blurb... glub ...bler... SPLAT. A whole ship full of Mc Flurry's. Then we told them they had better behave or if the humans catch them, the humans will assimilate _them. _Anyway, they were a boring lot of machines, so we left them to melt and re-assimilate themselves back later. We have been floating around for a long period of time since, and we came across your ship Captain, and you had such good toys on board to play with. We just _love _that Commander Data. And he has so much stuff in

his memory banks, we love this guy Elvis, any idea where we can buy is records from?, asked the Gobble De Gooks.

"I'll tell you what," said Picard slyly, "How about I make a deal with you?"

"Ohhhhh, deals, we LOVE deals Captain, what sort of deal?" asked the Gobble De Gooks

"Let's say we give you a mini shuttle prototype that we were thinking or redesigning, complete with built in foot massager, gourmet Klingon food replicator, a milkshake maker that can double as a Mc Flurry machine, and we'll even throw in a full database of Elvis Presley songs with surround sound, Bluetooth and wireless remote for all ships systems, and send you on your merry way and you can have all the fun you like travelling the galaxy and leave our ship alone... sort of a deal," stated the Captain.

"WOOOOOOOW," came a unison sound of awe. "You are ever so generous, far nicer than those Borg units." There was some quick mumbling sounds and then a unanimous agreement.

"We have a deal Captain," answered the Gobble De Gooks excitedly.

"Just as long as you take all your 20th century _Goop, _with you," added the Captain

"Pardon Captain?" asked the Gobble De Gooks.

"Nothing," replied Picard.

The small shuttle prototype was launched with a bit of fanfare, and many giggly noises were heard aboard as it left, along with the sound of "All shook up" blaring through the surround sound.

Picard, Riker, Data, Dr Crusher, La Forge and Deanna Troi were there to farewell them, good riddance.

"Well, that's one shuttle full of happy Gobble De Gooks," smiled Dr Crusher, "Shame though, I'm gonna miss Data's Elvis impersonations in Ten Forward."

"Well, I don't care if I never see a Mc Flurry again as long as I live," stated the Captain as he walked over to the nearest shuttle bay replicator

"Tea, Earl Grey, Hot ! " he requested

And Data wandered out of the shuttle bay humming, "There goes my everything…"


End file.
